Three decades ago I made my grand entrance into this world and in the process, successfully destroyed any preconceived notions my mother had about a peaceful home-birth. Last week I celebrated the anniversary of this event with a head cold, an evening out with friends and family, and some extra special sass from Graybeard. To wit:
You aren’t sick. This is just what 30 feels like.
Are there any other jokes you would like me to make before your birthday is over? I’ve covered your crows feet, the fact that your womb is drying up, and how if I keep doing things to make you furrow your brow you’re going to develop a wrinkle there… are there any other things about getting old that you would like me to make a joke about? It is your birthday, after all. I don’t want to disappoint you.
The biggest surprise of the day was my office, which had been decked out with streamers, balloons and 30 googly-eyed grapefruit dressed in costumes. There is no explanation I can give here that will make that last part make any sense. However, it does serve as additional proof that my department has more fun than any other department in the firm.
I don’t want to get to the point in our relationship where you are comfortable with talking about your lady problems. Let’s just stick with the tacit understanding that you will not say anything and once in a while I will catch on and be extra nice to you.
Yeah, what you don’t know is that by night I turn into a large black man who has musical gifts. I thought you should know.
November 19, 2007
I like to shout out my CivPro rules in the middle of coitus anyways, so its kind of one and the same for me. I like to start slow with maybe rule 24(b), then work my way to some interpleader. You can’t rush right into the the 12(b)6, but I don’t need to tell you that.
November 20, 2007
Now I realize that some people pretend they can resist my charm. But those people are liars. I don’t want to be with any liar.
November 27, 2007
Yeah but when you get stuck under a pile of rubble without your care package secured about your waste in fashionable manner… then we’ll see who cracks the jokes…
November 28, 2007
You know if you don’t get straight A’s I won’t be attracted to you anymore right?
December 3, 2007
Did I leave anything out my murder kit? I really want to make sure its top notch.
As many of you know, Captain Graybeard, Esquire and I were friends for several years before we started dating. As many of you also know, he was totally into me when we first met and I shunned his advances. Repeatedly. At the time I was confused about whether he was actually trying to date me. However, after reviewing the evidence several years later it turns out I missed some pretty obvious clues along the way. Like the time he invited me to dinner at Nijo a week in advance and picked up the check. Turns out, that was a date, not just a random advanced craving for sushi. Or that time he kissed me. Turns out, I did not have something on my face that he needed to remove with his mouth.
In any case, the fun part about dating in the 21st century is that a majority of your courtship takes place in a digital format, and thanks to Gmail it never disappears. So, in celebration of our final countdown to the wedding I’m going to dig through the archives and post some of our conversations from the very (very) beginning. All of these quotes are from actual conversations in my Gchat archives – they have been edited for clarity, not content. And no, I have no idea why we discussed weddings and marriage so often.
November 4, 2007
Graybeard: That and I’m just a few years older than you, but it puts me solidly into “lets get married and have babies” land with women. Its so frightening, I can’t even tell you how bad it is.
Me: I had my biological clock removed a few years ago
Graybeard: So what you are saying is you don’t want to get married and have babies. Chalk that up on the list of why you’re awesome, right along with cooking.
Me: I also would rather stab my eyes out than plan/throw a wedding
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