So, Captain Graybeard, Esquire and I are getting hitched. Consider this my single post about
the joys of wedding planning.
It’s no secret that weddings are not my thing. I could dedicate a separate blog to why they are not my thing, but let’s just say you know your f’d for your own wedding planning when Offbeat Bride is a little too “onbeat” for your taste, and when the standard response to any wedding-related question between you and your fiancé is “Honey badger don’t give a shit.” After having my eloping on a beach in Mexico dreams crushed, followed by my eloping at the courthouse on leap year day crushed (seriously, how rad would that be?), I finally acquiesced to the idea of having to plan a wedding.
::cue Twilight Zone music::
It turns out the moment you get engaged you step into the alternate universe that is wedding planning. This universe revolves around convincing brides-to-be that shit that doesn’t matter in any other aspect of their entire lives suddenly matters. In case you have not perused any wedding-related blogs recently, let me assure you this industry knows no bounds. And in case you think I’m above all this nonsense, let me assure you that if I could come up way to cash in on this gold mine I totally would.
We escaped a majority of this shit by planning a ceremony at the courthouse, a reception at a bar, and sending out evites under the guise of being “eco-friendly” (real reason? Honey badger don’t give a shit). This eliminated the need for fancy paper invitations, stamps, colors, centerpieces, a theme, napkin rings, and just about everything else that no one remembers anyway. Also, it is nearly free which is exactly how much I want to pay.
Wedding planning is also a universe where entirely different rules apply. For instance, if I were to say “Hey, I’m planning a party 5 months from now” I would expect the response to be something along the lines of: “Wow, a party 5 months from now – must be a pretty epic party.” But if you say “I’m getting married 5 months from now” the only response is: “You’re getting married in 5 months?!” When I ask why the incredulous response, I typically get some statement about how there is so much to do and 5 months is not nearly enough time. Those people overestimate how much of a shit honey badger gives.
Sidebar: Graybeard gets this question more than me, but what typically follows this incredulous response toward him is whether our short engagement is because I’m pregnant. I’m not. But if I was, we would surely would have decided to elope within my first trimester when I still looked super fly in my wedding dress and could drink without consequences (that’s how it works, right?).
The final thing the wedding planning universe revealed to me was something I had never even heard of until people started asking me: Is your trip to Mexico a pre-honeymoon? Umm… WTF? For those of you not in the know, a pre-honeymoon is a vacation you take before your wedding so you can get that much needed break from all the stress of wedding planning. Yep. It’s a thing and it exists. The only thing that makes me feel better about this apparent tradition (?) is that I like to think it was invented by grooms-to-be as their way of asking themselves one last time “Do I really want to marry this Bridezilla?” Otherwise, it’s a vacation. Or, maybe every vacation we’ve ever been on is a pre-honeymoon. Discuss.
Now, I don’t want you to think I’ve hated every moment of planning my wedding thus far. I enjoyed searching and ultimately choosing the amazingly talented photographer Arthur Shwab to document the weekend. And I’m trying hard not to hold his prior photography of Captain Graybeard’s model ex-girlfriend against him. But mostly, I’ve enjoyed working with Graybeard to come up with a wedding that perfectly encompasses what is most important to us and reflects our relationship. For those of you attending, you should be prepared to eat cobra for breakfast.